and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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