oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
