I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
