Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
