and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
