is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
