I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
