Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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