this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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