You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
