I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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