god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
