I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The air was thick with penises
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
