I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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