Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
