I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
