Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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