i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
