Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
