my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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