Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
