Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
