WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
