The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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