so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
