My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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