Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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