This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
