I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
