I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
