I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
