my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
