Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
