So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
