I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
