Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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