Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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