Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
