The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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