I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
