I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
