i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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