Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
