I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
my poor anus
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
