I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
