god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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