apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
