the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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