absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
