i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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